Ever walk down the street and then a random thought of something gross or embarrassing you did pops into your head and then you shake with douche chills? Oh, you haven’t? Yeah, me neither. Hindsight is 20/20, but seeing myself look like an ass is always crystal clear. If I had the ability to go back in time and change something, I’d even go back and change the little things that I’ve done that disgust me about myself to this day. I’ll tell a quick story about something I’ve done that I wish I never did. It wouldn’t make a very impactful change in my life, but it would help me from randomly wincing out loud when I’m sitting on a bus and it pops into my head.
As most gross or embarrassing stories begin, this one also starts with shots of tequila. The setting, the blackest strip club in all of Atlanta. Hindsight here is not 20/20, it is 36-24-36. The sound of booty claps make the club sound like an indoor terrarium that has simulated thunderstorms. We arrived at the club at around 3am, so the girls left on the floor didn’t seem too enthusiastic. I, of course, showed up full of pith and vinegar and tequila. I was ready to party. I sat down in a chair and asked one of the fine young ladies at this gentleman’s club if they would give me a gentleman’s dance. As she was very unenthusiastically giving me the dance, I kept looking up at her for something more. Suddenly, she grabbed her titty and gave it a quick lick, and then continued dancing. With the courage of the alcohol in me, I meekly asked her, “Hey, can I go next?” As soon as I pronounced the ‘t’ in ‘next’, she had hurled her titty into my mouth and then continued dancing like I wasn’t even there. Her breasts were real and gravity hadn’t been too kind to them, so she pretty much threw her boob into my mouth the way you would cast a fishing line into a creek. As soon as the titty went into my mouth, I immediately wanted it out. It tasted like Patrick Ewings gym sock. I then realized it was 3 am and her shift probably started 6 hours before, so the sweat of dancing for all those hours was covering those breasts. Also, if she was so willing to throw the titty into my mouth, how many other mouths has it been in? I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I discreetly grabbed her boob while she wasn’t looking and I slowly removed it from my mouth. The song ended and she left, and that’s when I went over to my friends and chugged all of their drinks to get that taste out of my mouth. I went home after that, covered in my own disgust of what just happened. When I woke up the next morning, I had the flu. I was the first person on planet earth to ever catch the titty flu.
I wish I could’ve shared something profound about how I’d go back in time to kill Hitler or stop the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., but I really wish I never got the titty flu. It was gross.
also, if anyone wants to read more stories from my life, check out http://bennysamuel.tumblr.com