Oh Toadies, why did you give such an awesome song such an unfortunate name? I’ve always told my friends that I’m not afraid of anything….except monsters. Well, that was not entirely true. Possums absolutely terrify me. I’m certain they are spawned out of the beard of Satan himself. If you think they are cute, we will never be friends. I’d throw holy water on you every time I saw you.
The fear for the possum began when I was in high school. A few friends and I were driving along the road acting the way kids do when they’re driving their car around. During our trip, we saw this shadowy figure walking on to the road, when all at once the shadow disappeared and a possum came walking out on to the road. I was certain it shape shifted, but my friends in the car assured me that it was just the ‘late night’ having an effect on me. The possum turned its face towards the car, and my headlights shined bright off its beady red eyes. I was slowing down as not to hit it, and then we saw that it had already been hit by someone else. It’s intestines were hanging out of it’s mouth and were dragging underneath it, but the monster kept walking forward. It’s almost like it got hit by a car and brushed itself off and was like, “Oops, got hit by a car. Caught me slippin!” We stopped our car and saw it just cross the road and then go back into the woods. To this day my friends and I recollect the time we met ‘The Devil’s Opossum’.
So because of that one incident, I will never trust another possum again. They are the walking undead to me. If I see one on the road now, I won’t just speed by it. I’ll turn my car the opposite direction and drive as fast as I can while saying the Lord’s Prayer. I’m also afraid to play the Toadies song because I’m afraid it’s their anthem. I just picture a group of possums jamming out on guitars and drums, and one on them singing into a microphone with a bandana wrapped around it. Actually, that seems kind of adorable. Oh no, get the holy water!