Monthly Archives: November 2012

Closing Time

Well, here we are. You’ve come along on a journey with me from talking about grooming your anus with Nair to me ingesting the germs of hundreds of men after sucking on an ill-fated titty, but our journey together has finally reached its destination. This will be my last post. With this post, I will give some parting words of advice. I’ll be serious for this one. My advice is to take time out of your busy schedule and focus on a craft. Stop being such a pussy.

Oh, are you scared no one will like what you wrote? I don’t care. If you like it, that’s all that matters. You wasting your talents is a lot worse than giving them a chance and having them fail. Some of your ideas may fail, but Tenacious D refers to that phenomenon as the ‘Cosmic Shame’. There are no guarantees with creativity. If you can only do things that require guarantees, then I guarantee that you suck. There is nothing more tragic in the world than wasted talent, except maybe how bad the NY Mets are.Whether you think you can write the next great novel, a great movie script, the next ‘Call Me Maybe’ or even a gay poem, just go ahead and do it. You don’t need motivation from anyone else other than yourself. No one will believe in you unless you believe in yourself first.

A wise automobile once said ‘Grab Life by the Horns’, and I live my life exactly like that. Yeah, I could be farther along in my life than I am right now as I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever tried up to this point, but the journey was worth it. I hope you feel the same way about our journey together with this blog. Have a good life, everyone.

Sike! I’m not going anywhere!

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If I could turn back the hands of time…

Ever walk down the street and then a random thought of something gross or embarrassing you did pops into your head and then you shake with douche chills? Oh, you haven’t? Yeah, me neither. Hindsight is 20/20, but seeing myself look like an ass is always crystal clear. If I had the ability to go back in time and change something, I’d even go back and change the little things that I’ve done that disgust me about myself to this day. I’ll tell a quick story about something I’ve done that I wish I never did. It wouldn’t make a very impactful change in my life, but it would help me from randomly wincing out loud when I’m sitting on a bus and it pops into my head.

As most gross or embarrassing stories begin, this one also starts with shots of tequila. The setting, the blackest strip club in all of Atlanta. Hindsight here is not 20/20, it is 36-24-36. The sound of booty claps make the club sound like an indoor terrarium that has simulated thunderstorms. We arrived at the club at around 3am, so the girls left on the floor didn’t seem too enthusiastic. I, of course, showed up full of pith and vinegar and tequila. I was ready to party. I sat down in a chair and asked one of the fine young ladies at this gentleman’s club if they would give me a gentleman’s dance. As she was very unenthusiastically giving me the dance, I kept looking up at her for something more. Suddenly, she grabbed her titty and gave it a quick lick, and then continued dancing. With the courage of the alcohol in me, I meekly asked her, “Hey, can I go next?” As soon as I pronounced the ‘t’ in ‘next’, she had hurled her titty into my mouth and then continued dancing like I wasn’t even there. Her breasts were real and gravity hadn’t been too kind to them, so she pretty much threw her boob into my mouth the way you would cast a fishing line into a creek. As soon as the titty went into my mouth, I immediately wanted it out. It tasted like Patrick Ewings gym sock. I then realized it was 3 am and her shift probably started 6 hours before, so the sweat of dancing for all those hours was covering those breasts. Also, if she was so willing to throw the titty into my mouth, how many other mouths has it been in? I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I discreetly grabbed her boob while she wasn’t looking and  I slowly removed it from my mouth. The song ended and she left, and that’s when I went over to my friends and chugged all of their drinks to get that taste out of my mouth. I went home after that, covered in my own disgust of what just happened. When I woke up the next morning, I had the flu. I was the first person on planet earth to ever catch the titty flu.

I wish I could’ve shared something profound about how I’d go back in time to kill Hitler or stop the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., but I really wish I never got the titty flu. It was gross.

also, if anyone wants to read more stories from my life, check out http://bennysamuel.tumblr.com

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Possum Kingdom

Oh Toadies, why did you give such an awesome song such an unfortunate name? I’ve always told my friends that I’m not afraid of anything….except monsters. Well, that was not entirely true. Possums absolutely terrify me. I’m certain they are spawned out of the beard of Satan himself. If you think they are cute, we will never be friends. I’d throw holy water on you every time I saw you.

The fear for the possum began when I was in high school. A few friends and I were driving along the road acting the way kids do when they’re driving their car around. During our trip, we saw this shadowy figure walking on to the road, when all at once the shadow disappeared and a possum came walking out on to the road. I was certain it shape shifted, but my friends in the car assured me that it was just the ‘late night’ having an effect on me. The possum turned its face towards the car, and my headlights shined bright off its beady red eyes. I was slowing down as not to hit it, and then we saw that it had already been hit by someone else. It’s intestines were hanging out of it’s mouth and were dragging underneath it, but the monster kept walking forward. It’s almost like it got hit by a car and brushed itself off and was like, “Oops, got hit by a car. Caught me slippin!” We stopped our car and saw it just cross the road and then go back into the woods. To this day my friends and I recollect the time we met ‘The Devil’s Opossum’.

So because of that one incident, I will never trust another possum again. They are the walking undead to me. If I see one on the road now, I won’t just speed by it. I’ll turn my car the opposite direction and drive as fast as I can while saying the Lord’s Prayer. I’m also afraid to play the Toadies song because I’m afraid it’s their anthem. I just picture a group of possums jamming out on guitars and drums, and one on them singing into a microphone with a bandana wrapped around it. Actually, that seems kind of adorable. Oh no, get the holy water!

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Oh mother, tell your children. Not to do what I have done!

A friend told me that today’s daily prompt was to blog about something I’ve done that I’d never advise anyone else to do, and that itself inspired to create this blog. I was going to write about how one should never Nair their own anus, but I decided to tackle a more serious topic. College kids, just because you have your whole life ahead of you doesn’t mean you should live your life like you have your whole life ahead of you. Stop listening to people that tell you to take time off from school to ‘find yourself’. You won’t find anything.

Guess what, there’s not much more of yourself to discover. The only thing you’ll discover is that you think that you won’t need school. I’ve done this. I took a semester off and got myself a job in the real world, and it was a pretty good job. I worked for IBM and I thought since I got my foot in the door with the company that I’d just be rapidly promoted until I became the CEO by the time I was 35. That did not happen. I was working the same job for 4 years making the same money and no other opportunities within the company were ever offered to me. That’s when I looked at my coworkers that were doing the same job as me, but they had children that were my age. I thought I was so young that I’d be able to keep pushing forward, but these guys started at the same age as I did and decided to run with it as a career. That’s when I decided to quit my job and try to get back into school.

After taking those four years off from college, it was very difficult to get back into college. They needed high school transcripts and reasons why I took so much time off and I had to take all kinds of aptitude tests to see where I would fit in. Since I was no longer in the groove of being in school, it was a sudden shock to be back in. Getting back into the way school works and how even when you get out of class you still have work to do was a very difficult thing for me to get re-accustomed to. I’ve decided to procrastinate as long as I can to get back into school which led to me being a huge procrastinator in school. Just like everyone told me, I thought I had plenty of time to finish school, so instead of pushing myself and getting it done as quickly as possible, I decided to take only a few classes per semester and was just stuck in school for way longer than I wanted to be.

What this led to was being being stuck in a rut of perpetual school. By this time, all of my friends had graduated from college and had real jobs, and I was stuck being a student. My friends didn’t take the advice of finding themselves and by the time they were 25 they had real jobs and could do whatever they wanted to do. They were the ones that really had their whole lives ahead of them. They were still young, but were able to support a lifestyle of true self discovery. They could afford to go on vacations around the world and enjoy their 20’s, but I was stuck in the library because I wanted to enjoy my late teens/early 20s.

So my advice to you guys is this; don’t procrastinate with your own life. College is a lot of fun, but the academics of it are the big turn off. Treat the academics like the vegetables on your plate that your mother forced you to eat when you were a kid. You would eat all the vegetables first so you could just enjoy the rest of your meal without having to worry about eating the vegetables at the end. Knock out college as quickly as you can and then you will truly be able to enjoy the rest of your life. Also, never Nair your anus.Image

 

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